FFVIII Sellouts
by SpiritedRinoa
Summary: What happens when the characters of FFVIII decide to make a little money on the side doing commercials?
1. Default Chapter

FFVIII Sellouts

            What happens when the characters of FFVIII decide to make some extra money on the side doing commercials?

Disclaimer:  The characters of FFVIII belong to SquareSoft, not to me, etc. etc…

***Author's Notes: My first (not so good perhaps) attempt at fanfic comedy.  Per usual, read and review please ~_^

Kmart 

            _Quistis and Selphie are walking down an aisle in Kmart.  Quistis is pushing a shopping cart…_

Quistis:  Come to Kmart for everyday low prices on everyday household items…

            _They enter another aisle, filled with toys.  Something catches Selphie's interest._

Selphie:  Would ya look at that??? Would ya?!  It's a full set of triple triad cards! I've been looking for these EVERYWHERE!  

            _Selphie hastily pulls a deck off the shelf and an avalanche of toys cascades to the floor._

            Director:  CUT!!!!

            Selphie:  Oops…uhhh… _looks up innocently  ….It wasn't me….?_

CoverGirl 

            _Typical CoverGirl commercial with close-ups of Rinoa posing…_

            Voiceover on commercial:  Covergirl…make-up made to stay put when you're on the run….  

            Rinoa:  _Plastering on a large phony smile It even stays put while battling evil sorceresses from the future!  __Muttering under her breath That's such a lie…I had runny mascara and my lipstick was all smudged!  Who conned me into doing this commercial?  __Out loud I want to talk to my agent!_

Nike 

            _Raijin is shown punching at a small hanging punching bag wearing athletic wear and some boxing gloves.  His voice is heard on a voiceover._

            Raijin:  I like to work out, ya know?  And nothing is more comfortable than my Nike sneakers and athletic wear, ya know?  So just do it…ya know?

            Director:  _Places hand on forehead and shakes his head Why me?  Could someone please call Squall Leonhart and see if he's available for the commercial?_

Wheaties 

            _Seifer is sitting at a breakfast table with a little kid, a box of Wheaties is on the table and each of them has a full bowl in front of them.  The younger boy is happily eating._

            Seifer:  What are you eating Timmy?

            Timmy:  It's Wheaties, Seifer.  Mom and Dad say it's the best way to start your morning.  I poured you a bowl too!  _smiles_

            _Seifer sits down and takes a bite, quickly spitting it out all over the place._

            Seifer:  What IS this shit?!?

            _Timmy begins to cry._

            Seifer:  Man…not another Chicken-wuss in the making….

AT&T Collect Calls 

            _Squall approaches a phone booth and begins to dial '0,' Rinoa approaches, dressed up in an officer's uniform_

            Rinoa:  Hold it right there!  Don't you know that you can save the people you call more money when you dial 1-800-CALL-ATT?  

            Squall:  …whatever…

            Director:  *sigh*  CUT!!!  That's NOT the line, Leonhart!  

            Squall:  *sigh of frustration* …whatever…I'm outta here __

_            Squall exits._

            Director:  That's it, somebody call up Ultimecia, she can't be harder to work with than Squall…

Purina Dog Chow 

**            _Angelo has his face in a bowl of food._**

            Rinoa:  When Angelo was just a puppy, I wanted to make sure that he grew up healthy and strong, and my vet recommended that I feed him Purina Puppy Chow.  Now that he's older and out grown that puppy stage…Angelo!  UGH!  ICK!  He peed on my shoe!!!  _Runs offstage crying._

Oscar Meyer hot dogs 

            _Zell is sitting at a table.  Ma Dincht serves him a plate of hotdogs._

Ma:  My Zell has loved hot dogs since he was little.  As a mother, I want to make sure that my growing boy is eating only the best quality food, that's why I choose Oscar Meyer….

Zell:  _Jumps up.  Hey Ma!  MaaaAAAAAaaaa!  Can I have some more???  I'm hungry!!!_

Director:  CUT!  Zell, let your mother get her lines out first!

Zell:  But I already finished the plate…

_Director slaps forehead and shakes his head.  _


	2. More...

Humane Society Promotion

_            Laguna is sitting on a small stool holding a white rabbit._

            Laguna:  Every day, unwanted animals are brought to the Humane Society in hopes of giving them a better chance.  But they can't do it alone.  They need caring people like you and me to help.  You can do your part by going to your local Humane Society and taking in an animal to love and care for.  For a listing of the Human Society nearest you call the num-  _[breaks down into tears]_

            Director:  CUT!  Mr. Loire, what's the problem?

            Laguna:  *sniffles*  Does any…one have…any tissues?  _[crew member hands him a tissue as he composes himself]_  It's just…it's just…the idea of all those…poor ANIMALS!!! _[starts bawling again]_  All alone…no one to care for them…it's so sad!

            Director:  Someone PLEASE take Mr. Loire off stage so that he can compose himself?  

****Humane Society, take 2****

            Director:  Mr. Loire, you're sure you can handle it this time?

            Laguna:  Yessir.  I apologize.

            Director: _[sighs]_  Alright.  ACTION!

            Laguna:  Every day, unwanted animals are brought to the Humane Society in hopes of giving them a better chance.  But they can't do it alone.  They need caring people like you and me to help.  You can do your part by go-

            A dog runs up onstage, carrying an article of clothing in its mouth, drops it at Laguna's feet and continues to run, a voice can be heard in the background.

            Voice:  Angelo!  You're not supposed to go through my clothes, bring that bra back…and I swear, if there's any holes in it I'm going to kill you!  If I get my hands on you, I'm going to… _[Rinoa finds herself on the stage, the whole crew staring at her, their jaws to the ground, Laguna picks up said article of clothing]_

            Laguna:  Ummm….Looking for this?  36C, eh?  _[Rinoa snatches it from his hand, hiding it from sight as she turns red.]_  

            Director:  Cut again…everyone take a break…I need a drink, this director business is rough…

Game Show Commercial 

_            Cid Kramer stands in front of a 'Jeopardy-like' game board._

            Cid:  You've seen Jeopardy…you've seen Ben Stein, you've seen Wheel of Fortune…maybe you've even seen Press Your Luck **[A/N: The best game ever! "No whammies…no whammies!]**… but now it's time for 'Win Cid Kramer's Gil!'  That's right, every week, I'll be going head to head against the newest SeeD members in a battle of brains and brawn.  The students will be presented with questions that they SHOULD know since they've been on SeeD exams, and in the final round, I'll go head to head with the winner with the help of my lovely wife, Sorceress Edea.  If the contestant can survive the final round against my Edea's powerful magic, and combat with me, he could win up to 10,000 Gil!  Watch for the premiere of the show this Saturday, when I go up against Selphie Tilmitt, Zell Dincht, Squall Leonhart, and that forth nameless SeeD that wasn't good enough to join the others on the quest to defeat Ultimecia.  

Psychic Friends 

            _Ellone is sitting on a big couch with another 'psychic.'  Typical 'livingroom style' setup:  Two armchairs to the side and a coffee table in the middle.  Tarot cards are spread out on the table, along with a telephone._

            Ellone:  Hello, my name is Ellone, and I'm part of the Psychic Friends Network.  Are you wondering about your love life?  Your career?  Your family?  If your significant other being faithful?  Will you get that promotion?  What do your in-laws REALLY think of you?  Wonder no longer.  Call the psychic friends network today and find out.  The Psychic Friends Network is made up of a small group of reliable psychic who want to help YOU.  Call today and receive your first 5 minutes free.  We've had many satisfied clients and we'd love to help you.

Squall's Voice (voiceover):  The psychic friends network reunited me with my dad and his army buddies.  Thanks Psychic friends network.  Thanks A LOT (said sarcastically) _[sound of phone hanging up]_

            Laguna's Voice (voiceover):  Ellone helped me get personally acquainted with my son…before he was even born!  Then, the psychic friends told me where I could find him.  Thanks…I LOVE YOU GUYS! _[begins to cry]_

            Ellone:  There you have it.  Call the psychic friends today and see what lies in YOUR future!


End file.
